I do understand the irresistible nature to and I understand that a lot of people probably thought or hoped that I would do what I’m doing now in the sense of not letting it consume me and using the opportunity to prove myself or whatever. I would have liked to have used this as a motivational tool and I don’t understand why I’ve been so “stuck” in it but also could I not be? And considering the reality of it who would want to get involved or whatever directly you know? The ones who have haven’t had a great experience. There’s so much that I want I to say and so much that I need to not say. I clearly need to take an extended break and come back with something substantial (whatever that means) and I plan to do that now. I wish that I would have felt… like I could have. I don’t understand why I’ve reacted to this the way that I have but I don’t understand what else I could have done. (Expect for literally everything.) the support would mean so much more if it was direct, the hatred would mean so much less. I can’t say that the majority of isn’t true and I can’t say that it’s hasn’t been anything other than a reflection which I ultimately have control over and I have for whatever reason just sat here and let everything fucking deteriorate into what it currently is as I scream that it’s not what’s it’s supposed to be privately and pretend like it’s not what it is to a degree publicly or whatever and from an outsiders prospective it’s just “what it the fuck” but from an insiders perspective it’s been like “WHAT IN THE FUCK.” You know it’s hard not to like just be consumed when it’s consuming your life in every aspect. I’ve ironically tried to protect other peoples privacy and reputations at the expense of my own. I think I should probably just pause here for now. So yeah. I will… be back. But I really can’t leave either? In a certain way. So. Stay tuned? I guess? I mean. I don’t know what to say right now. The negative has meant everything and the positive nothing but the investment is clearly there and all of this shit obviously hasn’t and can’t go unnoticed. this is not an accurate representation of me or my life and you have been witness to a legitimate psychological breakdown. I’ll be back.